I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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