Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
