I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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