In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
