You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
