Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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