So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize