I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
