I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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