Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
