I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
honey bunches of taint.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
