How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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