phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
