Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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