Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
