I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
