I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
