Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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