I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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