thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
