This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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