I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize