I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
