The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
