Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
