I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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