I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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