My hand turned me down
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
