i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
