i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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