she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
