Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
