Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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