so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
