Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
