What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My feet surprised me
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