just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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