the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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