at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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