toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It's like God shit irony all over that family
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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