wrigley field is MILF paradise
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
