3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
