he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
