nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You can't motorboat a personality
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
