Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
