My entire life is one complicated drinking game
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
