oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
