I hate your face
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Randomize
