I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
