I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
