I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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