what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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