if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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