I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
