he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
