This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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