god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
