can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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